Metrophile :: iPod Travel Guides

Japan Launches Campaign To Unsettle Tourists

2007-06-07T02:42:30Z

Japan's tourism authority recently unveiled its latest advertising campaign, Yokoso! Japan (Welcome to Japan!). Efforts include this 'Welcome to Japan!' illustration awaiting tourists at Tokyo's Narita airport. The poster attempts to familiarize visitors with the traditional Japanese reaction to foreigners− scowling in a thoroughly sour manner followed by the slow but deliberate unveiling of a weapon. Older or more formal Japanese may further punctuate this greeting by spitting into your eye. Although some regional variations exist. For instance, in Northern Japan the spitting is generally substituted with a punch in the throat. While residents of Japan's Southern island of Kyushu are more inclined to urinate onto your person. Previously, Narita airport employed live greeters to ~~intimidate intruders~~ welcome visitors in person. However, following the economic downturn, arrivals have had to make due instead with these illustrations. Other posters in the Yokoso! Japan series depict a geisha flicking a tourist's ear with her thumb and forefinger, and the emperor tearing a backpacker a new a-hole.

Return From The Ass-End Of China

2007-05-07T07:18:09Z

Yes, I've been away for a bit. Spent the past week traveling deep into the bowels of Beijing, gathering the inside scoop for a future iPod city guide. Many unpleasantries were endured, the least of which being this tour operator's unfortunate name and colour scheme. Regular posting resumes now.

Sicko Store Surprisingly Attentive To My Needs

2007-04-24T05:26:38Z

I recently paid a visit to Akihabara to pick-up a DVD player. As one might expect, I quickly followed up this purchase with a visit to the nearest porn shop. An unimaginable selection of DVDs awaited me inside Fetish World. All neatly sorted by genre, including, but not limited to: Pooping Bald Women Rubber/PVC Bondage Women Who Smoke Nose Yanking Uniforms (schoolgirl, nurse, cheerleader, 7/11 employee) Genitalia Abuse (slicing with razors and rubbing with salt) Feet (smelling, sucking, or simply watching pump piano pedals) Women Stomping Bugs (also watermelons, ukeleles) And, on the unlikelihood of finding Fetish World lacking, they even provided a guest book at the entrance for comments and suggestions. The diminutive gentleman ahead of me left this polite request for plus++ sized fish-net stockings. Fetish World 3-1-15 Sotokanda, Chiyoda-ku, +81.03.5298.6140

Barbie Complains Japanese Dolls Setting Impossibly High Standard

2007-04-23T01:48:27Z

In a further blow to Barbie's self-esteem, Ken announces surprise move to Tokyo, citing his growing dissatisfaction with nipple-less boobs.

You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream For Whale Flesh

2007-04-19T14:47:24Z

Let me say right off that I do not advocate the consumption of whale meat (battered nor otherwise). Firstly, you do not get to select your kill from a giant tank of fresh whales. Apparently, the majestic beast was slaughtered far, far away from my table (they really should have made this clear when I called to make the reservation). Secondly, whales do not taste like chicken. More like beef that has been left to soak overnight in a bucket of chum. Kujiraya 2-29-22 Dogenzaka +81.3.3461.9145

Choco. Party. Good! Good!

2007-04-18T14:35:35Z

Attended an office party last night. There was plenty of booze and food, including some of the chocolate variety. Sadly, no heaving bosoms. The point is that I'm feeling lazy today. So make do with something old but good, good.

Japanese Man Masters Obsolete Animation Technique

2007-04-17T14:39:55Z

This guy has talent. May lack girlfriend.

Toilets Tire Of Being Shit On All The Time, Exact Revenge

2007-04-16T14:54:02Z

High-tech toilet manufacturer Toto Ltd., has admitted more than two dozen instances of malfunctioning thrones. Unfortunate victims reported seats which began giving off smoke, and, in three extreme cases, actually went up in flames. At this point, you're asking yourself just how the fuck a toilet catches fire. Aren't they all just porcelain, plastic and water? Not here in Japan. Japanese toilets are incredibly sophisticated, with features such as multi-stream bidets, temperature controlled seating, ambient lighting, and blow-drying action. Of course, these are just the standard options. A fully tricked-out Toto toilet (model S5000 in Cotton White) recently defeated Garry Kasparov in a best-of-seven chess series. So this latest development comes as no surprise to those of us dumping in the land of the rising sun. It was really just a matter of time before the toilet learned to fight back. Toto is scrambling to rectify the situation with free checks and repairs for all affected model numbers. I highly recommend you take them up on their offer.

Japan Responds To North Korean Threat With Love, Silly Hat

2007-04-13T14:03:12Z

Japanese Hospital To Offer 'Gently Used' Babies

2007-04-12T07:45:33Z

Jikei Hospital in Japan has begun installation of the country's first 'baby hatch'. Once launched, bored mothers will be able to deposit their unwanted babies in complete anonymity. The hatch comes furnished with incubator, monitoring camera, and fire-extinguishing sprinkler. It is hoped the device will save the social lives of countless young women each year. In response, the Salvation Army announced they would one-up the hospital with their own plan to accept donations of both newborns and elderly. Explained Etsuo Susuki, Salvation Army Lieutenant Tokyo Prefecture, "We aim to be a one-stop drop-off for all your parental and filial obligations". When asked whether he expected a dramatic increase in foot traffic to their local thrift stores, Lieutenant Suzuki predicted, "brisk" business on the baby end, but "sluggish" sales of the aged given "they can be difficult to retrain and, in all honesty, are not nearly as cute once fully grown". Retailing analysts offered a more dire forecast, pointing out that Japan currently leads the world in surplus senior citizens. Ever the optimist, Lieutenant Suzuki noted that the Salvation Army was also facing stockpiles of argyle sweaters, polyester slacks and sensible shoes. Hinting at a possible retail strategy that would see a 3-piece outfit included with every geezer sold.

Juvenile Humour: Homo Sausage

2007-04-11T14:47:41Z

Write your own joke. Also available (honest injun): Jumbo Homo Sausage, Spicy Homo Sausage Spotted at 7/11 in ebisu.

Tokyo Midtown: The Hearsay Review

2007-04-10T14:44:05Z

The past two weeks have seen local newspapers and blogs heaping praise onto Tokyo's latest mega-development. The launch appears to have been an overwhelming success with visitors expected to top 25 million in 2007. Personally, I can't be arsed to drop by. Partly because I'm adverse to crowds. Partly because I've got a backlog of shows to plow through on my Tivo. But mostly because, as a general rule, I oppose all urban gentrification that doesn't yield a Kenny Rogers Roasters. However, I shan't let a complete lack of first-hand knowledge stop me from posting on this hot topic. I can easily regurgitate a review similar to the current crop:

"Blah blah design blah blah Japanese aesthetic blah. Blah design blah minimalism blah blah. Blah luxury brands blah design blah blah fashionista blah design blah design blah design blah design."

Plus, in addition to the above, I've also gone to the effort of gathering observations through a random sampling of people within earshot: Colleague 1: "A lot of good food." Colleague 2: "Really? I didn't think so." Colleague 1: "Also, less up-and-downy [sic] than Roppongi Hills." There you have it. Check out Tokyo Midtown for yourself. Or don't. Either way you'll have to make due with my sketch for the time being. I'll post a photo in the near future. Or won't.

Tokyo Page 116: Ping Pong Bar

2007-04-09T00:59:57Z

Entertained a guest from out of town over the weekend by taking her to the ping pong bar. Always gets a good reaction. However, this has been my 'wacky' go-to bar for close to a year now and friends are beginning to make repeat visits to Tokyo. So, I'm on the hunt for a newer, more bizarre, bar to amaze my friends with. Perhaps one that's inspired by a full contact sport. If you know of an unusual place, post your recommendation in the comments section or send me an email. In the meantime, here are my predictions for the next implausible, yet totally hot, concept bar: Stratego Bar Beekeeping Bar Crochet Bar Amateur Radio Operators' Bar Model Train Conductors' Bar Jousting Bar Nakame Takkyu Lounge 1-1-13 Kami Meguro-Ku +81.3.5722.3080

Asian Children Poised To Maintain Dominance In School Science Fairs

2007-04-06T03:56:13Z

Growing up I donated plenty of quarters to the bank of prize dispensing machines outside my local Loblaws.

Over time I acquired an impressive collection of marbles, miniature cars, glow-in-the-dark bits of plastic, toy soldiers, superballs, lick 'em & stick 'em tattoos, and other similarly noneducational junk.

But I don't recall any anatomical models of the female urogenital system complete with removable full-term fetus.

Not a one.

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

2007-04-04T15:42:14Z

Here's a photo of me taken back in the spring of 1980. Later that same afternoon, I boarded a Pan Am flight for Japan. It was my first experience abroad and I threw myself into research for an assignment entitled 'How I Spent My Summer Vacation'.

The three months of intensive field work took me from the pachinko parlours of Tokyo all the way to the opium dens of Bangkok. And when August finally began winding to a close, I made the fateful decision to defer my acceptance into Grade One. After all, there were more smarts to be gleaned on Asia's teeming streets than in any grade school library.

Instead of Mrs. Chadwick and Principal Henderson, I received my schooling from the likes of Suzy Wong and Pat Pong. My motto back then: Live fast, die young, and leave behind a wicked-cool hockey card collection. I even paid a visit to Khoa San to have this tattooed across my neck.

But I never forgot my promise to Mrs. Chadwick. So, here's my overdue paper...